A Money Story
A story about vodka, gold and society
By David L. Hunter
Published by Local Group
Copyright © 2004
One
day many years ago a bright man named Mr. Keys dreamt up a plan to overhaul money.
He was so bright that society’s elite conferred upon him the title Lord. We
will call him Lord Keys.
Anyway, Lord Keys wanted to replace all
existing money with a new currency. This new currency would consist of bottles
of vodka. One bottle of vodka would be the new unit of currency. Vodka would
replace what Lord Keys called the barbarous relic of gold. The nation would
rise into a modern era of prosperity upon switching over from outdated gold
certificates to avant-garde bottles of vodka.
Now,
the citizenry was not sure if this was a good or bad idea. So people remained
quiet about this issue. Government officials and banking officials both looked
upon this idea with a cynical chuckle. Finally they said in unison, “We agree!”
Soon afterward the government confiscated
everyone’s gold and replaced it with bottles of vodka. Government officials
assured citizens that gold was no longer fashionable just like Lord Keys said.
So government officials put all this seized gold in government vaults such as
Business
owners had to adjust to this change by altering the prices of their goods from
gold certificates to bottles of vodka. So for example a loaf of bread cost 1
bottle of vodka, a new suit cost 90 bottles of vodka, a new car cost 4,000
bottles of vodka and a new house cost 15,000 bottles of vodka.
Things
were going well now. The citizenry was able to convert to bottles of vodka as
the new unit of currency. Rather than paying for goods with outdated gold
certificates, everyone paid with modern bottles of vodka. No one complained,
although some people thought it was strange that they should use bottles of
vodka as money.
Well,
the chairman of the Vodka Reserve Bank got together with the secretary of the
Treasure Department. Both officials observed the public’s reaction to the
change of currency and were glad this transition went smoothly.
During
a private meeting, officials from the Vodka Reserve Bank and the Treasure
Department agreed on a plan to “embellish” this new currency. They decided to
remove some vodka from each bottle and replace it with water.
The
chairman of the Vodka Reserve Bank told all bank managers across the nation to
work late one evening. These bank managers were told to go into their vaults
and get out every bottle of their customers’ vodka. Each bottle had to be
opened and 10% poured into a large government reservoir. Then water had to be
poured back into each bottle of vodka until it was once again filled up. These
bank managers were instructed to keep their activity a secret.
This “embellishment” of money occurred
during the summer and there were a lot of weddings that summer. Several
citizens went to the bank to withdraw some money to buy a new suit. The tailors
were happy because they sold many new suits for 90 bottles of vodka apiece.
Most of these tailors deposited their earnings in the bank.
One
tailor decided to celebrate his large earnings by drinking vodka. The tailor
opened one of his bottles of vodka and drank from it. He thought he tasted some
water from the vodka bottle, so he opened a different bottle of vodka. Sure
enough, he tasted water from that bottle too. He opened a third and a fourth
and a fifth bottle of vodka, and they all had a watery taste.
This
tailor was upset because he believed his customers tried to defraud him. He
sold each of his new suits for 90 bottles of vodka, but he calculated that he
only received about 80 bottles worth of vodka and the rest was water. After he
calmed down, he decided not to press charges against his customers. Instead, he
would protect himself from being defrauded in the future by raising his price
for a new suit. So he raised his price of a new suit from 90 bottles of vodka
to 100 bottles of vodka.
The
summer had passed by and the weddings were over, so most people stopped buying
new suits. Consequently, relatively few people noticed the increase in the
price of a new suit. Things seemed to be going fine in the economy. It appeared
that Lord Keys was right. Gold was a barbarous relic and bottles of vodka were
the solution for prosperity.
Meanwhile,
the chairman of the Vodka Reserve Bank ordered each bottle of vodka to have
another 10% of vodka removed and replaced with water. All the removed vodka was
to be poured into a huge government reservoir that drains into the Treasure
Department.
The next year automobile dealers introduced
a new line of cars. Citizens rushed out to buy these attractive new cars.
Several citizens went to the bank to withdraw 4,000 bottles of vodka. Then they
went to their local car dealership to purchase a new car.
The
car dealers were happy with all their sales. Many of them deposited their
earnings in the bank. One car dealer was so happy that he decided to drink some
vodka to celebrate. Upon drinking from a bottle of vodka, he tasted water.
Baffled, he opened several more bottles and he tasted water in them. He became
furious upon thinking that his customers had defrauded him by paying him with
watered-down bottles of vodka. After he regained his composure, he realized
that he must protect himself from his unscrupulous customers by raising his
prices. So he raised the price of a new car from 4,000 bottles of vodka to
5,000 bottles of vodka.
It
was winter now and most people did not buy new suits or new cars, so relatively
few people noticed the rise in prices of these items. No one complained about
these increased prices. Realizing this, the chairman of the Vodka Reserve Bank
ordered each bottle of vodka to be debased once again by replacing another 10%
of vodka with water.
One
day a baker was driving his car when it broke down. So he opened the hood to
look at the engine. Upon tinkering with the car’s engine, he got his suit all
greasy. The baker was tired of his shabby car and his dirty suit. So he decided
to buy a new car and a new suit. But first he went to his bank to withdraw
enough bottles of vodka to pay for them. When he arrived at the tailor shop,
the tailor told him that a new suit cost 110 bottles of vodka. The baker was
upset at this price increase, but he wanted a new suit so he paid 110 bottles
of vodka for the suit.
When
the baker went to the car dealer to buy a new car, the car salesman told him
that the new car cost 6,000 bottles of vodka. The baker was outraged. He said
he had only budgeted 4,000 bottles of vodka for a new car. But the car salesman
insisted that the new price was 6,000 bottles of vodka. Since the baker needed
a new car, he went back to his bank and withdrew another 2,000 bottles of
vodka. He returned to the car dealer and purchased the new car for 6,000
bottles of vodka. The baker liked his new car but he considered the car dealer
to be greedy for raising his price.
It did not take long for the baker to
realize that he had to raise his prices to make up for the increased prices he
had to pay for his suit and car. So he raised the price of a loaf of bread from
1 bottle of vodka to 2 bottles of vodka.
This
is when real problems began. Most citizens could avoid buying a new suit and a
new car at these higher prices. But everyone needed to eat, and the increased
price of bread was felt by everyone.
Soon
citizens were complaining that businessmen were greedy people who try to
exploit the public with outrageous prices. One group of activists firebombed
the baker’s bakery to get revenge on him for raising his prices so much.
Meanwhile
the chairman of the Vodka Reserve Bank had once again ordered all bank managers
to debase each bottle of vodka by 10%. By now the government’s reservoir was
overflowing with vodka taken from each citizen’s bank account. So the chairman
of the Vodka Reserve Bank and the secretary of the Treasure Department held a
meeting to decide what to do with all that vodka.
These officials along with other government
officials decided to put this vodka in bottles and use them to hire social
intellectuals. Those social intellectuals would have the job of teaching the
public that businessmen are greedy people who rip-off unsuspecting citizens
while government officials are noble people who protect everyone’s interests.
The social intellectuals would even get their own buildings called public
schools and state universities. Moreover, public school attendance would be
mandatory for everyone.
As
time went on the Vodka Reserve System continued to debase each bottle of vodka
while transferring that vodka to the Treasure Department’s huge reservoir. Meanwhile
businessmen kept raising their prices so they could remain in business. Since
everyone was taught that businessmen are greedy and government is beneficent,
it was no surprise that most people despised businessmen and ran to the
government for support.
After
many years of this situation, prices spiraled out of control. The cost of a new
house skyrocketed from 15,000 bottles of vodka to 150,000 bottles of vodka. The
cost of a new car also skyrocketed from 4,000 bottles of vodka to 40,000
bottles of vodka. This was a tenfold increase in prices and everyone in society
was upset. There was civil unrest.
Politicians took action. One politician went
on television and announced that citizens would get free money mailed to them
each month. The politician said this would help citizens pay the exorbitant
prices set by greedy businessmen. The politician also said businessmen would be
subject to price controls. No more price gouging! Businessmen could no longer
raise their prices. It would be a federal crime to increase prices by even one
bottle of vodka.
Meanwhile
the chairman of the Vodka Reserve Bank continued to debase everyone’s bottles
of vodka. In response to this, some businessmen continued to raise their prices
even though this was illegal. Other businessmen went out of business. Social
unrest escalated. Many people could not afford to pay their bills. The
situation continued to worsen.
Eventually
government officials decided to start a lottery. They hoped to divert people’s
attention away from their financial woes by using a glitzy lottery. For a while
people were mesmerized by the thought of winning millions at the lottery. But
only a few people actually won the lottery and so most people remained upset.
One
man studied this situation for many years and concluded that in fact
businessmen were not the cause of higher prices. This man realized that the
Vodka Reserve System was debasing each bottle of vodka and this debasement
manifested itself in the form of higher prices for goods and services.
Upon
having this realization, this man decided to tell everyone in society what was
really happening. He spoke whenever he had a chance. He would talk to passersby
on the sidewalk. He would talk at public gatherings. He even tried talking to
people in stores. He explained the situation clearly but people could not
understand him because they had been taught the opposite by social
intellectuals.
Unfortunately
this man caught the attention of government officials. They could not allow
this man to contradict the teachings of social intellectuals, so his bank
account was seized, his car was confiscated, his house was raided and his
computer was apprehended. He was left with nothing.
Despite
being homeless and penniless, he continued telling people the real cause of
high prices. He would stand on a street corner for hours telling anyone who
would listen. But soon government officials had him arrested. He was convicted
on 4 counts of white collar crime.
He was found guilty of securities fraud; the
government said he traded bottles of vodka without regard for the regulations
set by the SSEC. He was found guilty of conspiracy; the government said he
taught subversive knowledge without regard for the regulations set by the FCCC.
He was found guilty of tax evasion; the government said he violated obscure tax
laws when reporting his income to the IRSS. And he was found guilty of
obstruction of justice; the government said he hid bottles of vodka under his
jacket with the intent of deceiving the government.
This
man was sentenced to 50 years in federal prison. He was sent to a forced-labor
prison camp in the middle of nowhere. Within a matter of months people forgot
about him.
Meanwhile,
the chairman of the Vodka Reserve Bank continued to debase everyone’s bottles
of vodka. As a result, prices of goods and services continued to rise. Economic
chaos began tearing apart the fabric of society. Many businesses closed.
Blackouts and shortages were common. Citizens had to work 2 or 3 jobs. Several
people got married just to have double incomes to pay their bills. It was
common for people to work 12 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week. Unfortunately
people were not any richer. They were working overtime just to survive
financially.
Upon sensing increased social unrest,
government officials decided to hire celebrities to distract the populace.
These celebrities were paid one million bottles of vodka per year to distract
everyone from what was happening in society. Amazingly, this worked like a
charm. Rather than noticing the economic problems in society, people were
focused on their favorite celebrities. They would watch celebrities on
television and attend live events to see celebrities in person.
Unfortunately,
societal conditions grew worse. The government used its huge vodka reservoir at
the Treasure Department to grow and grow and grow. Soon there was a government
bureaucracy for everything: food, drugs, the environment, roads, housing,
business, health, education, science, the arts and so on. Wars began to
breakout around the world. Not even the power of celebrities could distract
people from recognizing the deteriorating conditions in society.
Government
officials along with Vodka Reserve officials continued to debase everyone’s bottles
of vodka. But now government officials decided to handout free money to people
around the world. They would generate goodwill by granting foreign aid to other
nations while stimulating the national economy by subsidizing domestic
citizens.
Lotteries,
celebrities and handouts worked well. Everyone’s attention was diverted away
from societal problems. Unfortunately, wars escalated. Bombs exploded.
Buildings collapsed. Large numbers of people were killed. Citizens were
frightened for their lives.
Meanwhile,
the government continued to expand in size and scope. Ironically, the
government said it could no longer protect the populace from foreign threats.
The government advised citizens to defend themselves if attacked. Apparently
government officials had underground bunkers, but there was not enough room to
accommodate citizens. So the government gave each citizen a survival kit and
wished everyone good luck.
Sure
enough, hordes of fanatics carrying thick books under their arms screaming
“Allahaha is great!” invaded the nation. Those wild-eyed maniacs flew overhead,
releasing toxins over cities—killing people by the tens of thousands. More
businesses closed. Many people declared personal bankruptcy. Everyone was
scared into silence.
One lady rose to take control of society.
She revealed her plan to expand government, expand healthcare, expand education
and crackdown on businesses. Crowds cheered. Yet society did not get better
after she took control. People continued to die in large numbers.
Unbeknownst
to the populace, some people had escaped the chaos to create a new society. New
communities began springing up around the nation, each containing a few
thousand residents. These were free-market communities that did not utilize
bottles of vodka. These communities used gold-backed money.
Soon
they were flourishing. Community members relied not on government but on their
own effort to survive and prosper. As a result, private banks arose, private
roads arose, private water systems arose, private mail systems arose, private
education arose and even private security firms arose. These communities formed
their own courts and police forces that were paid for by people who wanted
these services.
These
free-market communities quietly expanded across the nation and around the
world. They were well-protected so foreign invaders could not penetrate them.
Even though social intellectuals had been discrediting the free-market for
ages, these free-market communities continued to grow and flourish. The gold
standard, private banking and laissez-faire capitalism were supposed to be
inherently flawed according to social intellectuals. But laissez-faire
capitalism disregarded the teachings of social intellectuals.
No one knew who started these free-market
communities. It was rumored that the man who was sent to federal prison on 4
counts of white collar crime left prison and quietly created these free-market
communities. Establishing the use of gold-backed money, private banking and
laissez-faire capitalism could have got this man sentenced to life in prison.
But established governments were crumbling, so this man never was apprehended.
As a result, these free-market communities multiplied like business franchises.
Eventually they converged until the entire world was enveloped by political and
economic freedom.
